This Belongs in a Museum
Bringing you museum-approved grammatical errors and typos since 2010.
Oh, and sorry - I DO NOT FOLLOW BACK!
I HATE CONCEPTUAL ART! Nothing annoys me more than some rich kid finding a broken chair or bicycle in a dumpster, painting it or something, and then calling it “art”. Thank you, Marcel Duchamp. Anyway, I do give credit to dedicated conceptual artist Walter De Maria. His long-term installation piece, Earth Room, has been on display and open to the public for free continuously since I was born (or 1980 for the tens of thousands who do not know me personally). Visitors ring a nondescript buzzer at 141 Wooster Street in the middle of SoHo and walk up some stairs to a quiet room filled with 280,000 pounds of dirt. In case you’re wondering how De Maria affords to display and take care of a pile of dirt in the middle of Manhattan’s most expensive neighborhood, well, he is supported by the Dia Art Foundation and long-time caretaker Bill Dilworth. For the past three decades, Dilworth waters and rakes the dirt once a week, which brings about a distinct, rich scent that fills the loft. It sounds like Earth Room is better taken care of than most people’s gardens…or houses…or lives. Occasionally Dilworth notices a mushroom or two sprouting from the ground. HOW EXCITING! Even though I’m sure there are enough dirty lofts all over NYC growing shit naturally (maybe more than just mushrooms) without needing a pile of “dirt art.” But maybe I just don’t get it.
My grandfather was a bit of a hoarder, but it never got too out of hand as he managed to keep most of his stuff down in the basement. Considering I lived with them, I have strong memories of a bunch of cast iron thingamajigs down there, so I’m sure he would’ve loved the Underpenny Plane and Cast Iron Museum in Queens, New York. Antique collector Sung Park spent over fifteen years searching New Jersey, Connecticut, Pennsylvania and Ohio for these mid-19th century American artifacts. He always dreamt of sharing the cast-iron pieces by opening up a museum-shop. And he did just that. Tucked right beneath a tenement house, one side of the tiny space for viewing only with hundreds of items lining the wall behind the counter, like ornate penny banks, cast iron trivets, bells, bookends, wood planes, and horse-and-carriage toys. And even though these trinkets are off-limits from your greedy hands, at least the other side of the room is for sale. So good news, shoppers. Commerce wins again!
Images have been manipulated since the camera was invented, long before the faux vintage filters of instagram took over the world. Next month the Metropolitan Museum of Art opens an exhibit entitled Faking It: Manipulated Photography Before Photoshop. Featuring hundreds of photographs from the 1840s through the 1990s, it is the first major exhibition devoted to “the history of manipulated photography before the digital age.” Before computers photos were altered using a variety of techniques, including multiple exposure (taking two or more pictures on a single negative), combination printing (producing a single print from elements of two or more negatives), photomontage, overpainting and retouching the negative or print. In the 1990s I studied photography for a few years in high school and college, and used a lot of these older methods with no training whatsoever in image-editing and other software programs. The last decade shows how much photography has changed in such a short amount of time.
Ever wish a museum was open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Well, if you’re a resident of New York City, I have news for you…you’re in luck. Built into an abandoned freight elevator and accessible only down a dark alley, the museum is simply called Museum (how creative!) and officially opened a few months ago. It is available by appointment or by looking through a peephole in the door. The strange and random artifacts and objects gathered together in the tiny room have been completely removed of their everyday narratives. There is a package of melted gummy worms, a Hitler matryoshka doll, an air-conditioning vent, toothpaste tubes from around the world, misspelled food container labels, homemade weapons as well as other items, most donated by local artists. And in case you don’t want to take this museum seriously, it has ornate molding, cascading velvet lined shelves and recessed lighting, just like all other recognized cultural institutions, including a brochure with catalogue reference numbers and object labels. This shit’s pretentious, but gives me hope that one day my clutter will be turned into a museum collection. Fingers crossed!
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Remember when Tim Burton used to make good movies? Well, a devoted fan opened a museum last year dedicated to one of Burton’s earliest works, and no, we’re not talking about Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure (even though that’s not a bad idea). In the middle of New York City, one can find Bruce Christensen’s Beetlejuice Museum. Crammed into a Hell’s Kitchen Apartment, the museum is a well-organized shrine to the 1988 cult movie starring Michael Keaton and Geena Davis. Christensen, who gives guided tours of the museum in full Beetlejuice garb, has a 75-piece collection consisting of everything from plastic toys to Beetlejuice themed wine coolers. There are also Burger King plastic figures, a beach towel, a jigsaw puzzle, a full copy of the movie script, bobblehead dolls and collectible cards. Unfortunately, there is not a performance art piece of this scene from the movie taking place in the corner of the apartment. There should be. Follow him on twitter but remember…don’t say his name three times.
At New York City’s Jewish Museum the author Maurice Sendak has rummaged through their collection and personally chosen 33 menorahs from the 18th to the 20th centuries for the exhibit, “An Artist Remembers: Hanukkah Lamps Selected by Maurice Sendak”. Also included in the display are original drawings from Sendak’s books, like Zlateh the Goat (1966) and In Grandpa’s House (1985) as well as audio of his conversations with the curators. I particularly liked this pencil drawing…he’s definitely one of my favorite people. Happy Hanukkah!
Hanukkah Lamp, Italy, 18-19th Century, Material: Copper Alloy
I saw the excellent film Hugo last weekend (also an excellent book, by the way) and the main character’s ability to fix clocks and other mechanisms got me thinking. I began to wonder if there was a museum out there similar to what I saw in the movie. In the middle of Manhattan is the General Society of Mechanics and Tradesmen of the City of New York building. Say that ten times fast. Inside is one of the largest bank and vault lock collections in the world. Named after a dude obsessed with all things mechanical, the John M. Mossman Lock Museum has more than 370 locks, keys and tools dating from 4000 BC to the modern day. It’s hard to believe, but less than 100 years ago lock mechanisms relied on an insane amount of detail and ornate workmanship, similar to those required for making clocks. Alongside the lighted glass cases full of Egyptian wooden-pin locks, Chinese padlocks and American time locks are studded trunks, with cleverly concealed keyholes, once used by bankers to protect millions of dollars. Some locks even used time mechanisms, and could only be opened at a particular hour of the day or year. Fascinating stuff, if you ask me. And I don’t even have a fetish for polished gears and mechanical antiques. But maybe now I do.
Who wants to look at one of those ‘wax statue making another wax statue’ pictures? This time it’s a famous person (Al Roker) at a famous wax museum (Madam Tussaud’s in NYC). Please look at this while I gather together my museology notes. It might be awhile. Thank you for your patience and understanding.
Let’s visit Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen’s favorite museum, the Troll Museum. On New York City’s Lower East Side, a woman in elf ears named Reverend Jen and her pet chihuahua (Reverend Jen Jr. of course…who also happens to be a dog model) will give you a FREE guided tour of their unique collection of vintage trolls and troll memorabilia. All these trolls just happen to live in Jen’s apartment. In addition to being a “trollologist” and mail-ordained Reverend, Jen is also the “Patron Saint of the Uncool, Voice of the Downtrodden and Tired” as well as a writer, filmmaker, performance artist and avant-garde icon. She is currently working on obtaining tax exempt status. You can become a member of the board of directors (along with the Backstreet Boys…no, seriously) by donating $250. Near the museum’s entrance, there’s a piggy bank with a sign on it that reads, “Suggested donation: $3,000”. I wonder if anyone has stuffed Monopoly money into this piggy bank? Be sure to call (212-560-7235) as visits are by appointment only. Oh, and maybe bring a friend…not because I don’t trust Jen and the trolls, but I am thinking this should be a shared experience.
P.S. It was the Goblin King, and not a troll who kidnapped that kid in the movie Labyrinth.
Hanukkah Lamp, Richard Meier, New York, United States, 1985, tin-coated copper
“A Hanukkah Project: Line of Fire” exhibit, Jewish Museum, New York City
