As a child of the 1980s I have plenty of experience with all the toys from that time period. Hey, I even remember having a picture of Boy George in my Cabbage Patch Doll wallet. Wait…what? Yeah, I know. What 4 year old needs to carry cash? CRAZY!
Did you know there is a Cabbage Patch Kids Hospital and Museum? That’s some scary shit. Even though I had a few of the dolls in my possession (and that damn wallet), I can’t believe parents ever thought these things were cute. Supposedly it helped promote “eat your vegetables, kid” and “oh, isn’t adoption great?” but there is just something completely creepy about them. This whole thing was dreamed up by Xavier Roberts, who once followed a “bunnybee” to a colorful waterfall of sparkling crystals, and inside was a cave full of babies born out of magical cabbages. The dude’s a freakin’ stoner!
Anyway, the Babyland General Hospital in Cleveland, Georgia sounds worse than American Girl Place (if that’s possible) with a premie-nursery full of “babies” hooked up to machines, nurses who walk around burping the “newborns”, and giant doll greeters. But that’s not the worst part. Visitors can witness the “birth” of cabbage patch kids, delivered by doctors, from the Magic Crystal Tree. About every hour an intercom announces that a Mother Cabbage is in labor, where supposedly the pink and blue “bunnybees” pollinate the kids with either blue or pink crystals. Whenever the need arises, a “C-section” or “Cabbage section” is performed. Good to know. The audience helps determine the names of each baby. They are issued an official birth certificate and name tag. And if you’re not creeped out enough, the museum has displays of dolls going to school and eating lunch and doing all the things normal dolls do. AAANNDDD there is another Cabbage Patch Kid Museum in Maryland, the Magic Crystal Valley, with a collection of over 5,000 dolls (most of them are originals from the 70s and 80s).